As captured by Princess A on our travels

I’m pretty sure that everyone who knows me, knows how treasured a gift I believe emotions to be. Our Father in heaven was so incredibly loving to us in giving us such effective ways of processing life and moving forward stronger. Emotions are truth. And truth is powerful. Love is truth.

I’ve had this blog reserved since September 23, 2012. Of Thunderstorms and Rainbows; because this is life; I live it and I love it. And although I have cherished the journey, I haven’t known how to start here. So, I waited. I waited because I believe that all things happen in perfect time. A perfectly slow and steady flame releases the most well combined flavours. And so I waited. And while waiting, I lived, and learned how much I was loved before I even was; and I learned to love myself as I am, perfect, and I am learning to love others as perfectly, and I am learning how to serve.

Today is the day. The things to be said have come together with the beautiful heat of a slow and steady flame. And here we begin. Of Thunderstorms and Rainbows: Genesis.

Most of the time I feel crushed, and still always able to see God’s mitigating hand to some external degree (rainbows) and more so internally as I grow in peace and compassion.

I don’t really know how to explain growing love, or peace, or faith, or awareness of my own faults, while feeling perpetually crushed for hopefully some greater good here on Earth.

On Friday morning, June 28, 2019, I asked God, “Is it real faith, if I feel that I have to know every outcome, or if an outcome needs to be what seems to be good? Or is faith just trusting You to keep walking ahead of me, uncovering silver linings and providing safety nets?”

Because I have never seen resolution, here, or felt supported, here, and I am increasingly seeing goodness and growth, and love, and His compassion. Is this what it means to feel His deep love, and to want to have others experience that as well?

I just know how much I have screwed up in trying to make life work. So, really, I don’t know what better means anymore, except for hoping to grow in love.

And as I reflected on this place of deep sadness and searching, and love, I remembered a past interaction: a rainbow moment. Brene Brown says that hope is living with the knowing that there is a way forward. I believe that this knowing only comes with experience, ours and others shared. And so this morning, when I felt the deep sadness of specific circumstances, I accessed a memory brought to heart by the Spirit of God.

Four years ago, on a very beautiful day, when my children were lavishing me with love, I felt both so happy and so deeply sad. I sat in a chair in our living room, looking through the windows, and I asked God why I felt so sad on this day when everything was so beautiful. And His response was, “Because what you are grieving is real. So it’s okay to be sad. Grieve what could and should have been, but was not, and then build something new from here.” And He told me how to build.

We talk, my Heavenly Father and I, because His guidance has proven true. I seek Him and continuously find Him. To be clear, He has never been lost, but I have found that so often I seek with eyes closed and walls up. When I open them, in response to His persistent gentle call, or the thunderstorm of consequence, He is always right beside me. And so I believe. This is my experience, and so I believe.

These last months, and life in general, have been extremely difficult and also very amazing. I don’t think I knew just how difficult until this morning when tears were silently streaming down my face, as I answered both Shannon and Tina’s well wishes that life will soon be better.

Sad tears are a gift. Did you know that our sad tears are full of toxins, and that they actually physically cleanse us as they fall. Somehow I still hate the weakness that I feel when they begin to well, and more so when they fall. I hate and love them. But, having already been given the freedom to grieve, I did. Because grieving was the truth.

AND I LOVE THAT WE HAVE A FULL RANGE OF EMOTIONS! When the tears were spent, and my eyelids so heavy that I could only sleep, I was reminded by the Spirit that I do not permanently sit in sadness, but we, together, move forward and build. God has taught me that my life’s motto is: Love. Learn. Serve. So I got up out of bed, showered, made my outside reflect the sassy freedom that I felt on the inside, and went to church to meet the person whose name the Spirit spoke to me this morning. I was late for the service, but I was certain that it would be perfect. I was certain that I would be able to revel in His love whenever I walked in, and I was equally certain that this person whom I had only seen three times in six months would be there.

I walked in to the closing praise, and it was incredible. In two songs I felt that I had fully shared in God’s presence with all those who had been gathered there. And there she was. So, instead of slipping away as I usually do, I touched her, and asked after her dreams and her heart. I am so happy that I listened, both to the Spirit, and to her. Because I accepted His gifts of emotion this morning, because I let Him sit with me, and because I allowed Him to take my hand and help me to rise, I was able to be a part of His brilliant rainbow.

Just in case you are also asking and wondering, life never will get better, there will always be a mountain. Love moves them though. So I’m building love. Moving mountains one at a time. And living with you, all and any of you who wish to join me in this life of thunderstorms and rainbows. We are better together. Live it. Love it. 🌈❤️💃🏿