I have learned from those inspired by the Creator of Love that our first goal in building community is to build healthy self-love. We need this foundation on which to build our homes. Why? Because home is where our children have the best opportunity to thrive. We are home. We, individuals are home. Home is not the perfectly manicured lawns, not the beautiful buildings that we erect, not our trendy decor, or varied libraries. When we build ourselves well, we provide safe, solid homes.  And to build well we must invest in good friendships, because friends are our teammates in the construction and living of life. 

An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense. As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.
Proverbs 27:5-6,9,17 – https://www.biblegateway.com/passage?search=Proverbs%2027:5-6,9,17&version=NLT

Looking at our own faults can be very uncomfortable. That process often creates shame, and shame is a big barrier to change, if we keep it hidden. It is my experience that when I repeatedly choose to minimize my weaknesses, shame is magnified. I become defensive and focused on self-preservation. This self-preservation can generally look like an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. I pretend that there is no danger, and may blindly lash out with my powerful ostrich legs.

How powerful is an ostrich’s legs? According to National Geographic: “An ostrich’s powerful, long legs can cover 10 to 16 feet in a single stride. These legs can also be formidable weapons. Ostrich kicks can kill a human or a potential predator like a lion.“ When our heads are buried in the sand, our strengths can actually become the weapons with which we do the most damage. Imagine those legs being used blindly, without proper focus. Imagine a group of ostriches walking around with buried heads, kicking at unfocused targets. What havoc that would wreak.

This is what our lives look like when we surround ourselves with people who affirm our unhealthy choices. Such people are often also walking around with buried heads, afraid to face their own shame. We dig deep into the well of confirmation bias. We gossip. We manipulate. We become situationally blind, even though we know a lot about what being healthy looks like. We tend to blindly focus only on our strengths. And so we miss the opportunity to truly grow through challenge. We miss many opportunities to create healthy homes and healthy communities. We become a clan of blind ostriches who may even seriously wound or kill fellow ostriches while we allow lions to roam freely around us. We miss the opportunity to develop wisdom, to show love, to be honest, to be supportive, to be genuinely kind.

How do we invest in building healthy communities where we, and our children can thrive? We must seek to build healthy friendships. People who pursue wholehearted living know that a healthy community is our strongest foundation. We need people who will love us honestly. We need people who love us because they know us through honest assessment. Honest assessment is well balanced support made with encouragement, affirmation and critique. Unfortunately, sometimes we have such a violently negative reaction to honest critique that we are unable to acknowledge the presence of affirmation and encouragement.

It is true that facing our shame is uncomfortable, but it is absolutely necessary if we are to grow. A person whose goal is wholehearted living would seek the truest cherished friendships where there is engagement in honest assessment. I challenge us to take our heads out of the sand. It is human nature to in some way and at some time live with eyes below the sand. So, my friend, fellow human, it is unlikely that you are the exception if you have not taken the steps to become proficient in naturally facing your shame. One can only hope that the balm of affirmation and encouragement will hasten healing and growth. Because we really are better together, healthily.