By Saran A. N. Lewis

Every painful moment of my life was worth it for the conception and delivery of these thoughts.

This week, my whole self was filled with tears and sadness as I read Paul J. Henderson’s article about Chantelle Ruhl’s profoundly unfair and tragic death.

It gives me great joy and peace to know that God did not—and would never—orchestrate pain to teach us. He has been with us through the pain caused by human choice, so that we could survive, heal, learn, grow, and eventually thrive.

God keeps hoping that we will mine deeply to find the treasure of grief.

Chantelle Ruhl didn’t have to die this way, and David Dalton Knox could have chosen to lean into love instead of continuing to recklessly harm others.

Read the article here.

And what about us?

How are we learning to live profitably together?

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The Call to Grieve

The Spirit of Love persistently tries to calm our anxieties and challenge our judgments so that we can sit and discuss the issues that cause us pain. The Spirit of Love persistently invites us to lean into connection and conflict resolution so that we can reach peace and acceptance, which are so much closer than we think.

As I read this article, my whole self filled with tears as I thought of the factors that create the version of each person who shows up in the world. Seeing that at the core of every person is innocence yearning to be known, loved, respected, and connected productively with all others—it is devastating to witness how fractures in connection create such monstrous outcomes, where one person becomes so accustomed to caring only for their own survival that they could knowingly destroy, negatively affect, or end other lives.

It is heartbreaking to see this pattern play out in relationships all around us—as families, friendships, tribes, communities, countries, and potential partnerships are repeatedly broken by ego.

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The Lament of Love

I understand Jesus’ tears as He wept over Jerusalem and said:

“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let me.”

— Matthew 23:37

This verse was part of Jesus’ final message in person to Israel. It was a lament—a deep grief that we refuse to be gathered together to learn how to move forward as one in love.

Dear ones, to get there we must learn how to grieve and set aside ego so that we can listen to each other, and heal, grow, and live together—with our differences and similarities creating the one-diversely-full world that God intended to inhabit with us.

Not one drop of rain, not one snowflake, not one bird, fish, or flower is identical to another, and yet together they form the most infinitely amazing tapestry of life.

What about us?

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The Process of Returning to Love

I once said to a friend that people who rape people don’t rape everyone. Painful experience has taught me this.

Moving through the process of healing attached to that and other sources of pain has taught me these things:

My interactions with a person do not define their interactions with everyone else.

I have learned to think this way about all of us as human beings and to be open to the idea that people who do very wonderful things are also capable of doing very horrible things—all people. Every single one of us.

I’ve learned to assume that there is always some underlying factor that causes people to choose to harm others.

I have learned that the version I hold in my mind of each person either cleanses my soul or erodes both my life and theirs. 

Therefore I am learning to take care of my own healing with God, while letting God take care of the healing of those who harm me—instead of seeking vengeance.

As a part of that process, I have moved through these phases with deep gratitude to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross for her work on grief, and as I grieved I seem to have found more:

1. Being frozen in denial — literally.

2. Unconsciously bargaining with them to be safer or better through positive engagement.

3. Disgust and contempt

(a) Wishing that they would shrivel up and die because of how they’ve harmed me.

(b) Ruminating on ways to punish them so that they also feel pain.

(c) Attempting to initiate a process of punishment.

(d) Resolving that I am better than they and will leave them to God.

4. Depression — recognizing that punishment does not alleviate pain; slowing down and feeling the deep emotional wound as my brain shuts down all processes that are not needed to survive, so that I can rest.

5. Sadness — recognizing that punishment is not really what I want. I am mourning the pain and injustice of the situation.

6. Anger — realizing that action needs to be taken to put safeguards in place to protect myself and others.

7. Conferring — avoiding direct engagement with the offender, instead seeking conference (also known as gossip) with others to perform a forensic autopsy of the situation.

But Jesus redirected me from avoidance to engagement in one to three steps in Matthew 18:

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.

If they listen to you, you have won them over.

But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.

If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

— Matthew 18:15–17

The steps to healthy conferring are:

I. With the offender, if they are safe and willing. (If they are not safe, leave and heal with God, as Jesus did when He left Nazareth.)

II. Intervention with the offender and one or two significant others—people who love and respect both parties—if they are willing.

III. Community reflection with a larger group of people who love and respect both, to examine facts and invite the offender into a supported process of healing and accountability so that they will not re-offend.

8. Acceptance — I have done everything I can do.

9. Finding meaning — discovering what new value can be brought to the community from the lessons learned.

10. Coming home to wholeness, and the fullness of myself in connection with all, which leads to 

11. Creation — building a whole new dimension of community engagement with the tools and resources acquired throughout the process.

In this way, the kingdom of love is built, inhabited, and infinitely expanded on Earth as it is in heaven.

And if we wonder how often we should move through this process, Jesus also answered that question:

“Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

— Matthew 18:21–22

If we’re wondering whether it is worth it, look around us at the pain and suffering—and find the answer.

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The Nature of God Revealed

This experience of being guided through forgiveness is also what led me to recognize that God wants us to know that He is not whom we thought He was.

He never harms.

Never kills.

Never punishes.

And never will.

He is always with us—encouraging, comforting, and providing for us as we move through the often painful consequences of our own choices and the agony of being harmed by others.

Jesus was willing to die to help us understand that when we connect to conflict resolution through Him, love wins. And as we grow we become lovingly competent at leaning in to the paradox of peaceful leadership. 

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The Paradox of Peaceful Leadership

I have observed that people often become confused and tense when they encounter a leader who will not boss them around, micromanage them, punish them for inaction, or actively or passively exclude anyone.

This confusion can arise even when that leader is clear about the vision and consistently supports the success of the team with well-defined boundaries and collaboration that welcomes conflict resolution and shared struggle.

And yet, when leaders do the opposite—when they micromanage, rely on systems of punishment and reward, or foster triangulation and competition—followers often perform with what appears to be efficiency.

The wonderful irony is that being supported without dominance, punishment, or exclusion ultimately has the deepest and most lasting impact. Love and kindness have a way of calming dissonant nervous systems and restoring trust—eventually.

Although initially being loved may create panic as the nervous system reacts to unfamiliar safety, over time, as recipients process safety and belonging at their own pace, growth and innovation begin to flourish.

A true community is formed—one built on the foundation of genuine freedom, compassion, and mutual respect.

Conversely, while fear-based systems may appear to flourish for a season, the underlying anxiety they produce inevitably leads to stagnation, burnout, and the quiet erosion of community.

The treasured truth I have mined from this observation is that, against all odds, love wins.

I hold hope that we will awaken to this reality and begin to lead, follow, and consistently engage more comfortably with love.

Jesus lives as a beacon of light to testify of this.

Viva the Loveolution.